How to Build Positive Relationships with Challenging Pupils

Simple and effective ways to build positive relationships with those 'challenging' pupils.

Jan 12, 2025

You know the children I’m talking about. They’re often called; challenging, rude, avoidant, absent, difficult, disruptive and even hopeless. They come with a label, they come with a reputation, and you know their family already through staffroom gossip.

🌪️What is a Challenging Child?

Let me first start by saying I don’t believe there is any such thing as a challenging child.

I do believe that children go through adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), which have an impact on their behaviour due to the trauma accompanied by these events.

A quick search on Google or ChatGPT reveals that approximately 50% of adults report experiencing at least one adverse childhood experience (ACE) before the age of 18. Alarmingly, a 2023 report highlighted that 60-72% of adults with lived experience of ACEs had been exposed to violence in the home. Furthermore, Youth Justice Board data from March 2023 revealed nearly 60,000 arrests of children in England, underscoring the urgency of addressing these challenges.

Due to these experiences, it’s no wonder some children are defensive, avoidant, and untrustworthy of adults.

It’s our job, as professionals, to foster and maintain positive relationships with these so-called challenging pupils. By doing so, we can break down the barriers they may have to education and/or engaging with other supportive services.

🤝Building a Positive Relationship

There are many ways to build these positive relationships with thse children. In this blog, I will outline some ways that I have found to be the most effective.

Unconditional Positive Regard

I would argue that unconditional positive regard (UPR) is the most important when it comes to building these positive relationships. It was first introduced in the 1950s by humanistic psychologist Carl Rogers. Essentially, UPR is a way of showing love and empathy to someone, without any judgment or conditions. I’ve written a previous blog about UPR here. I would encourage you to read the full post, but for now, I’ll show the example I used here:

Pupil: Is in crisis and is ripping up work and pushing over tables, chairs etc.

Me: “I can see you’re upset about something at the moment. Would you like to go outside and play some football instead of finishing this work?”

Pupil: Continues to knock over things but begins walking towards the door to the playground. They begin lightly kicking the door wanting to be let out.

Me: “I can see you’d like to go outside and that is an option. However, before we leave, I'd appreciate it if we picked some of this paper up and put it in the bin.”

Pupil: Picks up some paper quickly, scrunches it up into a ball and throws it aggressively into the bin.

Me: Thank you for following my instructions I really appreciate it. Now let’s go outside.

This example is of a pupil in a class of 9 SEMH pupils. I am well aware that the above scenario could not practically be used in a mainstream class of 30+ in either primary or secondary. However, I do believe there are things you can do that are in line with UPR. For example, if a student is rude or shouts out during the lesson, speak to them at the end or at the start of the next lesson to discuss the incident. If they are consistently disruptive and have to be taken out of the lesson, make a conscious effort to see that student at some point that week to discuss what happened and why.

As mentioned previously, during these incidents, the main idea of UPR is to show empathy without judgment. In an educational setting, this means trying to understand the cause of the behaviour in a trauma-informed way, rather than shouting at the child, blaming them and dishing out sanctions for their behaviour. You have to separate the behaviour from the child. It’s not easy to do at first but the more you practice, the easier it will get!

Another tip for UPR is to treat every day as a new day. If there’s been an incident the previous day, greet the child in the morning with a smile and handshake and welcome them into the classroom. It’s not about ignoring behaviour incidents. It’s about choosing the appropriate time to discuss them with the child.

Aim for a ratio of 7 positive to 1 negative interaction. By building up your credit with each child’s emotional bank account (positive interactions), you’re able to have challenging and constructive conversations (negative interactions/withdrawals) about their behaviour when these incidents occur.

Positive interactions aren’t huge things, they’re things you already do such as; positive affirmation, personalised check-ins, encouragement, active listening, praise etc.

🧏Common Interests & Active Listening

It’s much easier to build a positive relationship with these challenging children if you can find a common interest. This doesn’t have to be something groundbreaking. It can be something as simple as liking the same sport, having watched the same TV show/film or liking the same music. There are endless ways to find out about pupils’ interests and I won’t name them all here but using simple things such as an ‘all about me’ activity or watching a ‘This or That’ quiz on YouTube are great ways.

The hard part is once you’ve found a common interest. You now need to check in with this challenging child occasionally and ask about the topic. This is much easier if it’s regular like a sport, TV show or hobby they take part in, as you can ask for updates. Asking them about something unrelated to school shows that you genuinely care about them beyond their academic capabilities.

When you’re having these conversations, it’s important to actively listen to the child. An effective way to do this is to repeat a phrase to show that you understand what they are talking about. For example, if a child is talking about how happy they are that their favourite team won at the weekend, you could say “That’s great! I bet you’re really happy about that! What was your favourite goal?”

It seems really silly and obvious to outline how to listen to a conversation… but by replying to them in this way you’re doing three things. You’re acknowledging their response “That’s great!” You’re checking you’ve understood it “I bet you’re really happy about that!” and you’re taking an interest “What was your favourite goal?”

👉Catch Them Being Good

This is a super easy one and links back to UPR. It means actively acknowledging and reinforcing when children are doing the right thing. While it’s often easier to notice and call out negative behaviours, taking the time to highlight positive actions can have a profound impact. Challenge yourself to spend the next week focusing on pointing out children’s good behaviours instead of focusing on the negative ones!

During the example of the child in crisis, I said “Thank you for following my instructions, I really appreciate it” after they aggressively threw the paper into the bin. You’ve got to continually catch them being good, even when they’re in crisis. For some children, this approach can help de-escalate a situation. When they expect reprimands but instead hear praise, it can catch them off guard and shift their mindset.

Sending postcards/notes home or calling their parents/carers is also really impactful. Writing a little note to outline their good behaviour throughout the day takes seconds and has such a huge impact. It also counts as a positive deposit into the emotional bank account! Calling home will naturally take slightly longer but is arguably more impactful.

🔍Unpicking Underlying Needs

In my experience, many children labelled as "challenging" often have unmet special educational needs. These children may struggle with the academic demands of school and use disruptive behaviour as a way to avoid tasks they find overwhelming. If you suspect this might be the case, consider asking your Special Educational Needs Coordinator (SENCO) to observe the child or conduct baseline assessments or screening tests to identify any underlying difficulties. Additionally, if your school has access to a speech and language therapist, I highly recommend arranging an assessment. This can help uncover any communication or language comprehension issues that may be contributing to their behaviour.

📑Other Methods

Below are some other useful ways to build positive relationships with these children:

Create Opportunities for Leadership

Assign them small responsibilities or leadership roles, such as being a class helper or leading a group activity. This boosts their confidence and helps them feel valued.

Use Humor

Appropriate humour can break the ice and help defuse tension. Sharing a light-hearted moment or laughing together can humanise interactions and build rapport.

Be Predictable and Consistent

Children who have experienced trauma often thrive with routine and consistency. Be clear and reliable in your expectations and responses, which helps them feel secure.

Shared Activities

Participate in activities they enjoy, such as playing a game at break time or drawing alongside them during a creative task. Shared experiences can deepen bonds.

Apologise When Necessary

If you make a mistake or overreact, own it. Apologising to a pupil shows humility and models accountability, fostering mutual respect.

Conclusion

Challenging behaviour often masks unmet needs, past trauma, or feelings of frustration and insecurity. By shifting our perspective and focusing on relationship-building strategies, we can make a profound difference in the lives of these pupils. Whether through unconditional positive regard, active listening, or simply catching them being good, every small step builds trust and paves the way for meaningful engagement.

When we approach these children with empathy, patience, and consistency, we create an environment where they feel seen, supported, and capable of success. It’s not always easy, but the impact of these efforts can be transformative, not just for the child, but for the entire school community. After all, every child deserves the chance to thrive.