De-Escalation Strategies That Actually Work

Knowing how to de-escalate a child when they're in crisis is a key strategy in your behaviour-management toolkit.

Dec 15, 2024

You’re sat eating your lunch in the staff room of your workplace. A colleague walks in, swinging the door violently, it crashes against the adjoining wall. There’s a loud thud, everyone turns to look at them. Another colleague asks them if everything is okay? This is met with a venomous “Fuck off!” The room falls silent for a brief second, which feels as if it never ends.

I’d hope this scenario has never happened at your workplace. However, if this did happen, what would you do? I imagine you wouldn’t shout back at them. You wouldn’t force them to apologise for using bad language.

I imagine you’d use your knowledge of this staff member in an attempt to de-escalate them from this crisis. You’d maybe ask them if they watched a new Netflix series or recent sports event. Maybe you’d ask about that restaurant they were talking about visiting last week. Some of you might even have a good enough relationship to use humour.

My point is, with colleagues & friends, we have all used de-escalation techniques instead of immediately resorting to punitive or strict measures when they are in crisis. Why then, do we resort to these type of measures when children are in crisis? It’s well known that children’s brains are still developing, with trauma and SEN impacting that ‘average’ developmental progress.

What is De-escalation?

De-escalation encompasses multiple strategies and techniques to reduce the intensity of a child's heightened emotional state - often referred to in education as “crisis” - helping them regain a sense of calm and control.

De-escalation involves preventing the situation from escalating further and attempting to support the child in managing their emotions effectively. This process is crucial in situations where a child is overwhelmed by emotions such as anger, frustration, anxiety, or distress, and may be acting out verbally or physically.

De-escalation Techniques

There are many de-escalation techniques. I won’t cover them all and their variations here. However, I will outline some that have worked really well for me in the past. Feel free to add your own in the comments!

Distraction

Distraction techniques are a great way to almost immediately defuse a crisis situation. I will say, that once the child has regulated and when they are ready to do so, you should always talk about what caused the crisis and try to understand the trigger for the crisis. Have a look at this blog which explains more.

Verbal

Verbal distraction can work really well. I once taught a child who was OBSESSED with Subway sandwiches. When he became dysregulated - throwing chairs across a classroom, swearing, assaulting staff members etc - all you had to do was tell him Subway had messed up your recent order and he would immediately stop.

This is not a joke. I once shouted that Subway had forgotten my meatballs in a meatball sandwich (an obvious exaggeration of the truth) and he dropped the chair he had raised above his head. Walked to the breakfast table and began telling me that Subway once forgot the mayo on his Nan’s order and how angry she’d been “Honestly Smithy, if looks could kill… She’s not one to be messed with isn’t my Nan” Crisis averted and calm restored!

Obviously, this specific technique worked extremely well for this specific pupil. However, there are other verbal distraction techniques you can use to great effect. Some examples are:

Talk about a recent football game - especially if there’s been a dodgy referee decision!
Asking the child to come and help you with a really important job (which inevitably you then have to make up on the spot).
Tell them you’ve watched a TV series and ask them about one of the characters.
Ask about their favourite hobby and if they’ve been engaging with it recently
Ask them if they’d like to go play their favourite sport, go for a walk, do some art, have some food etc.

Visual

Visual techniques work just as well as verbal. Sometimes the combination of these two techniques is needed to fully restore calm. If you have an interactive whiteboard and access to YouTube, these techniques are amazing. Below are some great videos I’ve used to distract from crisis / resettle the class:

There’s probably more but those are the ones that spring to mind!

Mirroring Body Language

This is a really easy tip. There’s loads of scientific research out there about how beneficial it is to mirror someone’s body language. It gives a sense of connection which helps to promote calm. It’s a really easy way of co-regulating with a child. I’ve found that this technique is best used once the child is coming down from a crisis incident. For example, if they are sat on the floor or sat on a desk swinging their legs, sitting next to them or opposite them without saying a word, can really help.

Giving Space

Sometimes a child needs physical or emotional space to self-regulate. Avoid crowding or overwhelming them. If possible, guiding them out of the area or removing the other children from the area can make a huge difference. Children are often embarrassed they’ve gone into crisis. Like Tom, they might not remember their actions. Imagine how you’d feel if all your colleagues suddenly started staring at you. I bet you’d be thankful if someone kindly guided you out of that room and gave you some time and space to regulate.

Using Simple, Clear Language

When speaking, use short, calm sentences that the child can process easily. Avoid arguing, lecturing, or over-explaining. This links to the offering choices tip. When children are in crisis, they often can’t process information correctly. Therefore, using shorter sentences or even just one word can make a world of difference. For example, I used to say the word “Football?” to one of the children in my class when he was dysregulated. He would then walk towards the external door and begin kicking it. I knew this meant “Yes”. I didn’t force him to answer using language.

Offering Choices

Providing limited, clear options gives the child a sense of control. For example, "Would you like to sit here or take a walk with me?" As previously mentioned these can be shortened to just one word. The choices you can offer will vary from each setting so I won’t name any specific ones. When you’re offering choices, I would limit them to 3, as any more can become overwhelming. Think about the child in crisis and offer things they would usually like to do. I always offer food as the first choice.

Recognising Triggers

Understanding and addressing the root cause of the crisis can help de-escalate the situation. This might include unmet needs, sensory overload, or external stressors. After the incident, always try to understand what caused the child to enter into a crisis stage. Sit with them and unpick the time before the incident. Talking about the actual incident with the child can sometimes be re-traumatising so try to focus on the build-up rather than the actual incident.

Things to Avoid:

Raising Your Voice or Displaying Frustration: This may escalate the child's emotions further.
Using Threats or Punishments: This can increase anxiety or resistance.
Taking Behavior Personally: Remember, the child's crisis is often a reflection of their inability to cope, not a personal attack.
Overloading with Questions or Demands: This can overwhelm an already distressed child.

Power of relationships & de-escalation

As you’ve probably guessed by now, relationships play a huge part in de-escalation. The more you know the child in crisis, the more likely it is that you’ll be able to de-escalate them quickly and safely. Building these relationships has to be done outside of crisis. If you are the adult who always intervenes when a child is in crisis, they will begin to associate you with negative feelings. On the other hand, if you have a good relationship with a child and you walk into the area where they are currently in crisis, your mere presence might begin to de-escalate them.

Rebuilding from a crisis

As I’ve previously mentioned, de-escalation is great and a really useful tip to have. However, there has to be time spent rebuilding from this, when the child had regulated. Using these questions can be a part of that rebuild. Teaching children strategies to self-regulate and building positive relationships will also help reduce the amount of time children enter into crisis. It’s by no means a quick and easy fix, but it’s 100% worth it!