😔3+1 Questions to Solve Conflict 😊
An additional question to ask question to solve conflict between children.
A while ago I posted a blog on how to solve conflict in schools using 3 simple questions. I still stand by those questions and still use them; however, after listening to a recent podcast by Megan Corcarn and her guest, Marie McLeod, I would edit those questions to ask a further question to each child separately. I’d encourage you to listen to the podcast too, it’s a great listen!
Read the Previous blog here:
❔What Did You Need?
It seems so simple when you think about it. Asking a child to reflect and unpick what they needed after a period of crisis is something we all try to work out but rarely ask directly!
In my teaching practice, I’ve often done this in a very roundabout way and I imagine you have too.
For example, I’d often ask children“Was it too noisy/quiet in that room?” or “Did you want to go outside?”. By asking these questions, I was trying to ascertain if they needed some quiet time, fresh air or a movement break. The problem with this though, is the child doesn’t have the opportunity to fully explain what they truly needed in that time of crisis.
When you ask children relatively close-ended questions, they will often stay within those parameters or answer flatly “No”. Therefore, asking them openly “What did you need?” allows them the opportunity to fully explain what they needed.
I believe there may be multiple ways to phrase this question depending on the age and understanding of the child. I will list a few examples below.
“What did you need?”
“When you were upset/frustrated earlier, what would have helped?”
“What did you need to make you happy again?”
"What do you think you needed most when you were upset?"
"Is there something that would have made you feel safer or calmer?"
"What do you think your body or feelings were asking for?"
You will probably think of other ways to rephrase the question to children in your setting. However, I do believe asking the simple question of “What did you need?” is more than sufficient and will provide you with lots of information to better support the child in the future.
📑Recap
I have successfully used the original three questions both with children individually and with the child they had a conflict with. However, I would ask the final question “What did you need?” when the children are separated again. I believe this is the better option, as each child may not want to open up and explain what they truly needed in front of the other.
The questions are:
What happened?
Who was hurt (emotionally and physically)?
What can we do next time?
What did you need?
Disclaimer: Only ask these questions to the young people when they are regulated and able to talk about the incident.
For some young people, this may be hours after the incident, for others this may be days or weeks.
🙌It Really Works!
I truly believe using these 4 simple questions you can solve conflict issues between children successfully and quickly. I know
has used the original three questions with success before. Please feel free to check out the great work Adrian is doing on his blog too!
Please comment below if you use these questions and provide a summary of how it went!
I love seeing others benefit from your ideas Kieran. Great work!